The lovely warm weather normally associated with summertime in the United Kingdom has been sent packing by Priti Patel for being too ‘foreign’, it has emerged.
The discovery came after journalists revealed that the Home Secretary chartered a flight to take all the sunshine and heat back to Syria where it belongs, and then set up a strong barrier of cumulonimbus clouds above the UK to defend our land from even so much as a ray of sunlight.
Meteorologist Simon Williams told us, “We never expect a British summer to be really hot every day, of course, but there should be the odd day or even a week or two where genuinely clement weather would be entitled to arrive at our shores and bless us with its presence.
“But we have been left baffled by the constant drizzle and absence of any sunlight at all that has pervaded much of June and which looks set to continue into July and August, so this certainly explains a lot.”
Home Secretary and empathy black hole Priti Patel told the press, “We have enough warmth in this country from all the crematoriums incinerating the hundred and thirty thousand people that our management of the pandemic has caused to perish, so we don’t need any of that foreign heat here as well, thank you very much.
“Especially when we’ve got British born little rays of sunshine like me here.”